Falling Forward


Posted by in A Little Conversation

chipped nail polish? check.
overwhelming sense of tiredness? check.
aching limbs? check.

A morning check revealing a combination of the above usually means it’s Monday morning. Add to that the feeling of something being missing and you can usually guarantee that the weekend involved either me or the boyfriend doing a long drive at the end of it.

I painted my nails (yellow, of course) on Thursday night and now they are battered and war torn. I know I should take it off, it looks disgusting and messy but I probably won’t. I’m lazy and the post weekend ennui is already setting in. It was hard enough to get dressed this morning and to keep my eyes open as I walked to work – please don’t make me think about anything more complex than that until we at least hit Wednesday.

This evening I was supposed to be working but all I’ve done is eat Maltesers and watch the IT Crowd – it’s done nothing to further issue three of Télégramme but at least my mind is a bit more relaxed. I have a panda next to me and a glass of apple juice, plus a hundred and one* books to read if I want to, but all I really want to do is lie down roughly 209 miles away and that I won’t stop wanting that until I get to do it every day. If someone could fix that for me, I’d be super grateful – I promise. Until then I guess it’s apple juice and Stephen King for me. Sigh.

*okay, about 25


Letting Go

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My hair is too long and it’s flicking out over my ears when I put my glasses on. It makes me feel a little self conscious, feeling these tufts – not long enough to have weight; not short enough to be neat. They’re my default now, the first place my fingers go to when I am thinking or fretting – smoothing out the kinks again and again and again, unable to keep them straight. I tuck them behind my ears time and time again but I always find them flicked out whenever my fingers creep back.

I didn’t get selected for an interview for the job that I’d applied for. The new people to the game might have been surprised by my reaction but I wasn’t. I’m sure they were ready for tears but there weren’t any, just that beautiful sense of release. For all the stress and worry I put myself through in the run up and the wait, once the news comes I am surprisingly stoic – a quality I can probably thank my genes for.

I can stop wondering when they will get back to me, if it’ll be a phone call or an email or a letter on the mat. Whether or not I will be able to afford the ticket home, if I have the right clothes to wear or the right things to say. My stress levels are back down to zero (for this particular portion of my life at least, other things continue to cause problems but I am nothing if not good at compartmentalising at least) and I am calm for the first time in weeks.

It might have been different, perhaps, if I’d been beaten by a narrow margin. Just missing out on something is always more heart wrenchingly gutting. This job, however, had 145 applicants. Let me reiterate that – one hundred and forty five people. The fact that I matched their nine essential criteria but not the one desirable would have kicked me out in the first round under those circumstances, and I certainly don’t envy them the process – how the hell do you even begin to choose?

There will be other jobs, and I will apply and possibly there will be more disappointment in the future but I’m not low and I don’t feel sad about this one. For now I’m going to concentrate on having a lovely weekend with the boy who makes my heart beat faster; god I love that kid. My only sadness really is that I don’t get to spend a few more days with him this week – he’s been sorely missed during the past four.


A Little Help Required

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I know I ask a lot from you guys sometime. Look at my magazine, enter this competition. I promise I’ll stop asking you soon but if you could just take a moment to click on the next three links and then click ‘ vote for this photo’ I would appreciate it more than you know.

They’re not my photos (altho I do wish I’d taken them.) They belong to Anna, and I’d really like her to win something because she doesn’t think she’s good enough and we all know she is.

Link One | Link Two | Link Three



The Wolfwhistle Giveaway

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Remember how much I love my friends? Amy has teamed up with Dear Oh Dear and even tho I want to win this competition myself I’m telling you all about it so you can have a chance to win too.

Don’t say I don’t do anything for you – alright?

Click here to get the information.


Ebb & Flow

Posted by in A Little Conversation

It’s the little things that wear you down. The itchy eyes in the morning when you wake up after another night of endless dreams. The fact that your petrol light is on, again. The man in the office that won’t stop jingling the coins is his pocket when he talks to you and refers to emails as ‘pinging’ things.

It’s the little things that pick you up. The friend who sent you the yellow roses for your birthday, as a surprise. Getting a film developed and finding a beautiful photo of the boy you’re falling in love with that you’d forgetten you’d even taken. Having the house to yourself for a night, empty and peaceful for the first time in months.

The days since my birthday have been full of ups and downs for me. It started high, predictably crashed when I left Cardiff and returned to the real world of Cornwall and my lack-lustre enthusiasm for a job I’m doing but don’t really understand why. Nobody seems to know what my role is, I think mostly I’m just here to keep it available for the woman I am covering maternity leave for. I don’t really seem to have a sense of purpose or urgency here, everything is ‘whenever you can do it’.

It stepped up again briefly, when  there was a moment last week when things seemed impossibly real. The possibilty of a break from the endless drudgery of saving, saving, saving that unfortunately didn’t come to fruition. It was strung out for days and by the end of it (which was yesterday) I was at my breaking point. Funny, really. I knew I couldn’t bank on it and by the end I was fully expecting to be told ‘no’ but when it came I was still disappointed.

It’s hard to get that balance right, between hope and overconfidence. The epic application form has been completed, sent off and delivered. The interviews are scheduled for later this month so I guess either way I will have my answer by the 27th, a small relief. I want to feel confident about it, everyone tells me I should. But I don’t. My brain is telling me that these things come in packs; rejection and disappointment. I know it’s rubbish – everything is just as likely to happen one way or another regardless of whether or not an unrelated thing failed yesterday but oh, it’s hard.

I’m not unhappy but I am hardened. I’m not expecting any of these things that I need to do to be easy because at least that way I am vaguely protected against the possible failure. I just need to remember not to let the hardness creep in and start to spoil my chances. Like I say, it’s a hard balance to hit.

I’d love to just switch my brain off and coast for a few weeks. Anyone want to take over?