Falling Forward: A Girl & Her Lists


Posted by in A Little Conversation

chipped nail polish? check.
overwhelming sense of tiredness? check.
aching limbs? check.

A morning check revealing a combination of the above usually means it’s Monday morning. Add to that the feeling of something being missing and you can usually guarantee that the weekend involved either me or the boyfriend doing a long drive at the end of it.

I painted my nails (yellow, of course) on Thursday night and now they are battered and war torn. I know I should take it off, it looks disgusting and messy but I probably won’t. I’m lazy and the post weekend ennui is already setting in. It was hard enough to get dressed this morning and to keep my eyes open as I walked to work – please don’t make me think about anything more complex than that until we at least hit Wednesday.

This evening I was supposed to be working but all I’ve done is eat Maltesers and watch the IT Crowd – it’s done nothing to further issue three of Télégramme but at least my mind is a bit more relaxed. I have a panda next to me and a glass of apple juice, plus a hundred and one* books to read if I want to, but all I really want to do is lie down roughly 209 miles away and that I won’t stop wanting that until I get to do it every day. If someone could fix that for me, I’d be super grateful – I promise. Until then I guess it’s apple juice and Stephen King for me. Sigh.

*okay, about 25


Letting Go

Posted by in A Little Conversation

My hair is too long and it’s flicking out over my ears when I put my glasses on. It makes me feel a little self conscious, feeling these tufts – not long enough to have weight; not short enough to be neat. They’re my default now, the first place my fingers go to when I am thinking or fretting – smoothing out the kinks again and again and again, unable to keep them straight. I tuck them behind my ears time and time again but I always find them flicked out whenever my fingers creep back.

I didn’t get selected for an interview for the job that I’d applied for. The new people to the game might have been surprised by my reaction but I wasn’t. I’m sure they were ready for tears but there weren’t any, just that beautiful sense of release. For all the stress and worry I put myself through in the run up and the wait, once the news comes I am surprisingly stoic – a quality I can probably thank my genes for.

I can stop wondering when they will get back to me, if it’ll be a phone call or an email or a letter on the mat. Whether or not I will be able to afford the ticket home, if I have the right clothes to wear or the right things to say. My stress levels are back down to zero (for this particular portion of my life at least, other things continue to cause problems but I am nothing if not good at compartmentalising at least) and I am calm for the first time in weeks.

It might have been different, perhaps, if I’d been beaten by a narrow margin. Just missing out on something is always more heart wrenchingly gutting. This job, however, had 145 applicants. Let me reiterate that – one hundred and forty five people. The fact that I matched their nine essential criteria but not the one desirable would have kicked me out in the first round under those circumstances, and I certainly don’t envy them the process – how the hell do you even begin to choose?

There will be other jobs, and I will apply and possibly there will be more disappointment in the future but I’m not low and I don’t feel sad about this one. For now I’m going to concentrate on having a lovely weekend with the boy who makes my heart beat faster; god I love that kid. My only sadness really is that I don’t get to spend a few more days with him this week – he’s been sorely missed during the past four.


Ebb & Flow

Posted by in A Little Conversation

It’s the little things that wear you down. The itchy eyes in the morning when you wake up after another night of endless dreams. The fact that your petrol light is on, again. The man in the office that won’t stop jingling the coins is his pocket when he talks to you and refers to emails as ‘pinging’ things.

It’s the little things that pick you up. The friend who sent you the yellow roses for your birthday, as a surprise. Getting a film developed and finding a beautiful photo of the boy you’re falling in love with that you’d forgetten you’d even taken. Having the house to yourself for a night, empty and peaceful for the first time in months.

The days since my birthday have been full of ups and downs for me. It started high, predictably crashed when I left Cardiff and returned to the real world of Cornwall and my lack-lustre enthusiasm for a job I’m doing but don’t really understand why. Nobody seems to know what my role is, I think mostly I’m just here to keep it available for the woman I am covering maternity leave for. I don’t really seem to have a sense of purpose or urgency here, everything is ‘whenever you can do it’.

It stepped up again briefly, when  there was a moment last week when things seemed impossibly real. The possibilty of a break from the endless drudgery of saving, saving, saving that unfortunately didn’t come to fruition. It was strung out for days and by the end of it (which was yesterday) I was at my breaking point. Funny, really. I knew I couldn’t bank on it and by the end I was fully expecting to be told ‘no’ but when it came I was still disappointed.

It’s hard to get that balance right, between hope and overconfidence. The epic application form has been completed, sent off and delivered. The interviews are scheduled for later this month so I guess either way I will have my answer by the 27th, a small relief. I want to feel confident about it, everyone tells me I should. But I don’t. My brain is telling me that these things come in packs; rejection and disappointment. I know it’s rubbish – everything is just as likely to happen one way or another regardless of whether or not an unrelated thing failed yesterday but oh, it’s hard.

I’m not unhappy but I am hardened. I’m not expecting any of these things that I need to do to be easy because at least that way I am vaguely protected against the possible failure. I just need to remember not to let the hardness creep in and start to spoil my chances. Like I say, it’s a hard balance to hit.

I’d love to just switch my brain off and coast for a few weeks. Anyone want to take over?

Sometimes These Things Are Unexpected

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I just had the best end to the worst night in a while. (ai desu).

Books! June Update

Posted by in Books, Projects

I really wanted to hit 10 books this month and I only managed to complete 9. I did however put out an issue of Télégramme, celebrate my birthday and have three weekends full of fun so I don’t think I can complain that June was a bad month for anything other than reading.

Books Read in June:

29. I Am Legend, Richard Matheson

30. Of Mice & Men, John Steinbeck

31. The Catcher In The Rye, J D Salinger

32. So Many Ways To Begin, Jon Mcgregor

33. Playing The Game, Belle De Jour

34. The Lonliness of the Long Distance Runner, Alan Sillitoe

35. Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Goer

36. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman

37. Set Up, Joke, Set Up, Joke, Rob Long

I at least managed to get some classics in this month and all of these were new to me except bloody Catcher in the Rye which I still think is a load of bollocks. But there you go, it would be dull if we all had the same opinions, non? July is looking to be a quieter month so hopefully I can breeze through a few books and attempt to catch up with my target.

& So It Goes

Posted by in A Little Conversation

I am still procrastinating. it’s 4pm and I’ve spent the entire day avoiding all the things I know I need to do like I have all the time in the world to do them. Instead of working on my application form I’ve been taking photos, finding new things for the new issue of Télégramme, day dreaming about lunch and chatting.

I know why I’m avoiding it – I’m afraid to finish it because that means I have to send it off and then I have to wait. Everyone who knows me knows that I have so little patience when it comes to things like this that I am liable to drive all my closest friends crazy with the endless stream of what if’s I’ll be able to think of once I’ve dropped that envelope in the post.

I know that I am only in control of what happens to me up to a certain point. That I can do my best and try and work positively, but that ultimately it might not be good enough and I won’t be able to change that. All I can do is try hard and hope that it’s enough to at least get me through to the next stage.

I promise I’ll start writing it just as soon as I’m made lunch…

New Favourite Spam Post

Posted by in A Little Conversation

I find your blog a little too lengthy. I acknowledge the time you spent writing it. Thank you for all the efforts. – Britney.

You’re right, Britney.  I’m so sorry. I’ll try and keep it short and snappy from now on.

Better Late Than Never

Posted by in A Little Conversation

I turned 27 on Sunday. Did I mention at all? It’s Thursday now and I’ve been meaning to do a catch up post every day since then but what with the seemingly never ending stream of things to do or emotions to feel or pollen to attack I got a bit sidetracked.

Cardiff was fantastic. As always.I got some amazing presents before I went – a hoodie I’ve wanted for five years and a necklace I’ve been coveting since the minute I laid eyes on it, always a good start. We spent Saturday night in a joint celebration, and the early hours of Sunday are filed away in my brain under the tab ‘there is where the good began’. My birthday was great – presents at 3am (ohmygosh, thankyou) a chilled out morning with Q, then discount sushi and bad but good burgers (not at the same time, I promise) with my best friend and the hangover crew, ending with a late showing of Get Him To The Greek – which, incidentally, is well worth a watch. Much funnier than I thought it would be. Not what I had planned for the twelve months since the last one, but exactly what I ended up wanting. I even got the best surprise present on Monday afternoon, which I believe, actually made me squeal. Yeah, sorry about that.

I came home to more cards and the most beautiful bunch of yellow roses, courtesy of Jules – who is an absolute sweetheart and put the first smile on my face after leaving four hours before.

& so that brings us to now. I am sitting with a word document open in front of me. I’ve had the same word document open in front of me every day since I got home, but I’ve yet to make any changes to what I’ve already written. It’s an application form for a job I very much want. Starting at the perfect time, paying enough money, in a place I need to be. I know, that if this job is not forthcoming that there will be other opportunities. That knowledge doesn’t seem to help with the fear of this one tho. The hoping without daring to hope that I might get an interview. I am trying hard to remember that the alternative will not be a problem or even a set back, just a disappointment. But it’s hard.

There is something else happening that could change my life significantly for the better, that would help me immensely and is very much out of my control. I can’t talk about it (am afraid to talk about it in fact) but if you could keep your fingers crossed for me until I let you know it worked it would be more appreciated that I could ever express.

All in all, things are looking good. Now it’s just the inevitable wait, putting in the hard work and hoping that the results match the effort. Wish me luck.