Ebb & Flow
It’s the little things that wear you down. The itchy eyes in the morning when you wake up after another night of endless dreams. The fact that your petrol light is on, again. The man in the office that won’t stop jingling the coins is his pocket when he talks to you and refers to emails as ‘pinging’ things.
It’s the little things that pick you up. The friend who sent you the yellow roses for your birthday, as a surprise. Getting a film developed and finding a beautiful photo of the boy you’re falling in love with that you’d forgetten you’d even taken. Having the house to yourself for a night, empty and peaceful for the first time in months.
The days since my birthday have been full of ups and downs for me. It started high, predictably crashed when I left Cardiff and returned to the real world of Cornwall and my lack-lustre enthusiasm for a job I’m doing but don’t really understand why. Nobody seems to know what my role is, I think mostly I’m just here to keep it available for the woman I am covering maternity leave for. I don’t really seem to have a sense of purpose or urgency here, everything is ‘whenever you can do it’.
It stepped up again briefly, when there was a moment last week when things seemed impossibly real. The possibilty of a break from the endless drudgery of saving, saving, saving that unfortunately didn’t come to fruition. It was strung out for days and by the end of it (which was yesterday) I was at my breaking point. Funny, really. I knew I couldn’t bank on it and by the end I was fully expecting to be told ‘no’ but when it came I was still disappointed.
It’s hard to get that balance right, between hope and overconfidence. The epic application form has been completed, sent off and delivered. The interviews are scheduled for later this month so I guess either way I will have my answer by the 27th, a small relief. I want to feel confident about it, everyone tells me I should. But I don’t. My brain is telling me that these things come in packs; rejection and disappointment. I know it’s rubbish – everything is just as likely to happen one way or another regardless of whether or not an unrelated thing failed yesterday but oh, it’s hard.
I’m not unhappy but I am hardened. I’m not expecting any of these things that I need to do to be easy because at least that way I am vaguely protected against the possible failure. I just need to remember not to let the hardness creep in and start to spoil my chances. Like I say, it’s a hard balance to hit.
I’d love to just switch my brain off and coast for a few weeks. Anyone want to take over?