I have sand in my bag. It’s dusty and gritty and it’s getting between the pages of my book and I keep finding grains of it in my purse. Q came down unexpectedly at the weekend, a snap decision that was very much welcome and we went to the beach on Sunday to eat ice-cream and chips and apparently I’ve bought the majority of the beach back with me.
I know I should take everything out and clean it, but the general lack of motivation in my life right now seems to be preventing me from breaking out of the wake up, go to work, feign interest, eat, sleep life routine.
My laptop is practically gathering dust in the corner. We used it at the weekend to watch episodes of The IT Crowd in bed, munching on cold toast with Marmite and enjoying the break. I’ve barely turned it on in the last week other than that – the idea of being so connected to the world is usually a tonic but lately it feels like an extra hurdle to jump that I just can’t make.
The radio in my car has been conspicuous in its silence. In fact, I haven’t listened to any music since the drive home last weekend which is unusual enough in itself. The signs are showing enough for me to know that I am operating in defence mode, that I am retreating from my life to fix it, but if you asked me why I’m not sure I’d be able to tell you.
Things in my life are generally going well. My job is okay, my boyfriend is nothing short of amazing*, I don’t have any massive areas of stress or hardship. I can save enough money to move, I will be able to find a flat relatively easily. The only thing I’m consistently worried about is my ability to find a job in Cardiff but I find it hard to believe that it’s that that’s bringing me down so hard.
I don’t know. I’ve been avoiding social interaction and reading books in bed. I’m going on holiday in a few weeks time and all I shall do is lie by the pool and read more books – it’s all I feel like doing. The magazine is halted for now (although issue three will come out on time. It might be smaller, but it will come out), and I have pretty much put a stop on anything extra curricular going on aside from the semi-regular back and forth to Cardiff.
Hopefully I’ll shake it off soon. It sounds ridiculous to say that I’m feeling depressed when things are so good, but there are you. Life is often absurd.
*I know, I know. I keep going on about this and we’re in our honeymoon period as such and every couple feels like this etc etc. I get it. This feels different tho, honestly. I cannot get enough of this guy – he is actually amazing and better yet he is amazing for me.