The quest for the perfect winter coat is one which stresses me out every year. I want something warm but not too warm, bright but not crazy, easy to undo but not something the wind is going to whip open and something with pockets. PLEASE GOD LET ME HAVE POCKETS. Every year I search and every year I end up buying a £30 duffle coat from Tesco or Asda because I just can’t be bothered anymore, there are too many bad coats.
Today I was idly looking at the Topshop website after Sarah wrote a post calling for her ‘perfect coat’ (nice to know I’m not the only one with such high coat standards, maybe it’s something in the name?) It started off innocently enough. I quite liked some of the styles:
Nice, plain, unconfirmed pocket status tho. Then it started getting a bit too “fashion” for me…
Aztec prints and Dalmatian print sleeves. Right. Aztec I might be able to get on board with, but you’d have to strap me down and drug me up before you get me in this piece of weirdness below.
And then they decide you’d look good as a £325 gorilla, because that’s everyone’s dream – right? I’d buy it of course, but I seem to have misplaced my drumsticks and bar of Dairy Milk…
Then it started getting really weird.
Is that… do you…I don’t…No. No matter how I look at it, I can’t understand this. If I wore it I’d end up looking like a mackerel. Is that the intention? Are all the coats going with an animal theme this year?
Okay. Enough. WHAT THE MERRY HELL ARE THESE FUCKING CLOTHES?!
By the time I ended up at this I realised that Topshop? Topshop thinks you’re an idiot. I can imagine them sitting in their ergonomically designed chairs, sipping some crazy coffee concoction and deciding to have a bet on what the ugliest piece of clothing people would genuinely buy is.
It’s this, guys. They’re mocking you, and charging you £450 for the privilege.
Next year I’m just going to hibernate over winter and avoid all the ugly coats once and for all because I know some misguided idiot will buy this and I just can’t take this kind of abuse walking down the high street.