Falling Forward: A Girl & Her Lists

Friday Thanks

Posted by in Friday Thanks, Projects

Dear Cardiff,

Thanks for being so easy to fall in love with. You have quiet spaces and an awesome library and you feel like home to this redhead – no mean feat to someone who grew up 200 miles south west of you.

Love

Sarah

See other Friday Thanks here (or here) or visit the original inspiration for the project here.

New Office

Posted by in A Little Conversation

We moved into The Morgan Aracde Studios in Cardiff recently and it gets the most amazing light, almost all day.

Shadow

Look

Stairs

Fire Exit

Box

It was nice to pick up my camera after months of just snapping shots at events, rather than anything creative. I’ve got a film waiting to be processed with more shots from the office, I’m excited to see how they turn out!

I’m running a giveaway that ends tmrw! If you like books and money you should check it out since I’m giving away both :)

The Weekend In Pictures

Posted by in A Little Conversation, My Life In Lists, Projects

The weekend was lovely. Jools and Ian came to visit us and bought homemade rocky road from Portsmouth and St John’s doughnuts from London. Both were incredible. (Nom!)
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We met up with a gaggle of twitter women and Saturday night was filled with cocktails, of which there are no photos. Oops! But I managed to tick another three off my life list wish of try 100 cocktails, which was ace. (& I didn’t wake up with a hangover, double bonus). For lunch we took Ian and Jools out for dim sum, along with Liz and Scott. Pretty sure everyone enjoyed themselves, there was barely a scrap of food left so I think we did okay!

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Then we headed to Cardiff Bay to check out the food festival with their pretty bunting and gorgeous ice cream…

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and also introduced them to the wonderful weirdness that is the Ianto Jones Memorial wall. Good times!

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It’s nice when people come to visit you. It’s especially nice for me to show people around my new home, it makes me feel like a proper resident, heh. Thanks for coming, guys :) it was awesome.

It’s Been A Long Time Coming…

Posted by in A Little Conversation

But boy are the changes coming now. Two weeks today and Q will be making his way down the M5 to Cornwall, coming to pick me up and take me to Cardiff, with all my stuff, to stay. For good.

Let’s just absorb that for a second shall we? [feel free to make a cup of tea or beverage of your choice whilst I reflect on exactly how long I have been waiting for this and how amazing it feels for it to be right around the corner.]

I cannot wait to get there. In a tooting my own horn scenario I am massively proud of myself for throwing off the ‘financial retard’ (*snort*) shackle left to me by my previous boyfriend (thank you so much for that, dear) and saving £1200 in four months so that I am able to move to be with the love of my life. Fun! I’ve got enough money behind me that I can theoretically be unemployed for two months (but oh god, please don’t let me be unemployed for two months), I can enjoy my time and actually get to spend more than 5 days in a row with my boyfriend.

Those of you who know me well will realise what a turnaround this last twelve months have been for me. Those who don’t might think it strange that in the last year I’ve seemingly gone through houses, jobs, counties and relationships like outfits that don’t fit. It’s not as simple as the story portrays, so altho some people might think I’m (or we’re) rushing, I don’t. I think I’m finally moving towards the things I’ve been waiting for for a long time. Things I had all but given up on finding at all.

Love is amazing.

Letting Go

Posted by in A Little Conversation

My hair is too long and it’s flicking out over my ears when I put my glasses on. It makes me feel a little self conscious, feeling these tufts – not long enough to have weight; not short enough to be neat. They’re my default now, the first place my fingers go to when I am thinking or fretting – smoothing out the kinks again and again and again, unable to keep them straight. I tuck them behind my ears time and time again but I always find them flicked out whenever my fingers creep back.

I didn’t get selected for an interview for the job that I’d applied for. The new people to the game might have been surprised by my reaction but I wasn’t. I’m sure they were ready for tears but there weren’t any, just that beautiful sense of release. For all the stress and worry I put myself through in the run up and the wait, once the news comes I am surprisingly stoic – a quality I can probably thank my genes for.

I can stop wondering when they will get back to me, if it’ll be a phone call or an email or a letter on the mat. Whether or not I will be able to afford the ticket home, if I have the right clothes to wear or the right things to say. My stress levels are back down to zero (for this particular portion of my life at least, other things continue to cause problems but I am nothing if not good at compartmentalising at least) and I am calm for the first time in weeks.

It might have been different, perhaps, if I’d been beaten by a narrow margin. Just missing out on something is always more heart wrenchingly gutting. This job, however, had 145 applicants. Let me reiterate that – one hundred and forty five people. The fact that I matched their nine essential criteria but not the one desirable would have kicked me out in the first round under those circumstances, and I certainly don’t envy them the process – how the hell do you even begin to choose?

There will be other jobs, and I will apply and possibly there will be more disappointment in the future but I’m not low and I don’t feel sad about this one. For now I’m going to concentrate on having a lovely weekend with the boy who makes my heart beat faster; god I love that kid. My only sadness really is that I don’t get to spend a few more days with him this week – he’s been sorely missed during the past four.

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Ebb & Flow

Posted by in A Little Conversation

It’s the little things that wear you down. The itchy eyes in the morning when you wake up after another night of endless dreams. The fact that your petrol light is on, again. The man in the office that won’t stop jingling the coins is his pocket when he talks to you and refers to emails as ‘pinging’ things.

It’s the little things that pick you up. The friend who sent you the yellow roses for your birthday, as a surprise. Getting a film developed and finding a beautiful photo of the boy you’re falling in love with that you’d forgetten you’d even taken. Having the house to yourself for a night, empty and peaceful for the first time in months.

The days since my birthday have been full of ups and downs for me. It started high, predictably crashed when I left Cardiff and returned to the real world of Cornwall and my lack-lustre enthusiasm for a job I’m doing but don’t really understand why. Nobody seems to know what my role is, I think mostly I’m just here to keep it available for the woman I am covering maternity leave for. I don’t really seem to have a sense of purpose or urgency here, everything is ‘whenever you can do it’.

It stepped up again briefly, when  there was a moment last week when things seemed impossibly real. The possibilty of a break from the endless drudgery of saving, saving, saving that unfortunately didn’t come to fruition. It was strung out for days and by the end of it (which was yesterday) I was at my breaking point. Funny, really. I knew I couldn’t bank on it and by the end I was fully expecting to be told ‘no’ but when it came I was still disappointed.

It’s hard to get that balance right, between hope and overconfidence. The epic application form has been completed, sent off and delivered. The interviews are scheduled for later this month so I guess either way I will have my answer by the 27th, a small relief. I want to feel confident about it, everyone tells me I should. But I don’t. My brain is telling me that these things come in packs; rejection and disappointment. I know it’s rubbish – everything is just as likely to happen one way or another regardless of whether or not an unrelated thing failed yesterday but oh, it’s hard.

I’m not unhappy but I am hardened. I’m not expecting any of these things that I need to do to be easy because at least that way I am vaguely protected against the possible failure. I just need to remember not to let the hardness creep in and start to spoil my chances. Like I say, it’s a hard balance to hit.

I’d love to just switch my brain off and coast for a few weeks. Anyone want to take over?

27th Birthday, Come In. Your Time Is Up.

Posted by in A Little Conversation

It’s Wednesday now. Not a traditional time to start celebrating the weekend but since I am up off the M5 again tomorrow after work (and since I am leaving at 3pm tomorrow it hardly even counts as a full day) I am going to put my party hat* on right about now. My birthday plans have changed so many times this year I’ve almost lost count but I’m so excited about this weekend that I don’t really mind now.

I wanted to go on holiday, but people had plans or exams and it wasn’t feasible. I asked Andrew to plan it, but it turns out I actually have zero money, so that awesome idea was out. (which is a real shame.) Then I was going to ask people down here, but after the stress of planning it last year I decided to gate crash a friends birthday party instead, which is on Saturday.

With a bit of neat planning on our part Issue two of Télégramme launches on Sunday, i.e. my birthday (have I mentioned this enough yet?) and I’m really hoping I’m not too hungover to tell you all about it, ha. But if I am then just assume that “fnarghhh…” all over my twitter means that it’s ready, okay? I’ll do my best to be coherent, but given the inevitable amount of rum I will consume on Saturday I can’t make any promises.

As it is I’ll be wearing this:

plus these:

and seeing him, all of which makes me happier than I should possibly admit. So come the fuck on, Thursday. I can’t wait to get there.

*I do not actually have a party hat. I do have a pretty nice trilby tho, so I might wear that.

Catch Up

Posted by in A Little Conversation

This weekend was a bit of a whirlwind one, but fun all the same. Barely any pictures taken, mostly because I was too drunk to hold the camera, but it was aces, I promise. You should have been there.

A friend and I headed up to Cardiff on Saturday to meet some other friends. The highlights included a horses mask, dancing!, a stop wanking sign, kinder eggs, dancing!, bad mojitos (actually, make that really terrible mojitos), catch ups with long lost pals, DANCING! and did I mention there was some dancing?

Lowlights: chips with cheese and gravy. Wtf?

edit: I forgot to mention the epic Usher marathon, and a certain stubborn welshman who wouldn’t stop singing along. Funny as hell.